Tuesday, July 3, 2007


Dear overweight zit-faced yuppy guy who thinks he is hot shit who cut in front of me at Jimmy John's today,

I could have overlooked your above-mentioned physical flaws had you not acted like a tool. But here is what you did upon entering the Jimmy John's, and believe me, I know what you did. Having entered the store and stood in line before you, I was in a pretty decent position to observe your behavior:

a) You threw open the door and stormed in, causing me to turn around. You immediately grabbed a bag of potato chips (BBQ), tore it open, tilted your head back, and began throwing chips into your mouth. After a couple swallows, you grabbed a cup from behind the counter and went to the soda fountain and began filling it up (Dr. Pepper).

b) You then stepped right in front of me and two other people and began ordering. I was a little annoyed that the cashier took your order, but she was a little high school girl and you are a big sweaty bossy guy.

c) See, I knew you are bossy because you, with a mouthful of BBQ chips, ordered your "tuna fish" sandwich with extra onions, peppers, and mayo and then watched over the counter to tell her exactly how many peppers and onions to put on your sandwich as though she couldn't possibly make a sandwich correctly without you bearing down on her.

d) Despite having eaten a bag of chips and having drank an entire soda, you only ordered and paid for a sandwich. I believe you called it the "cheap-o sandwich." More on that to come.

e) You then grabbed your sandwich, left your empty BBQ chip bag on the counter, and left without so much as a nod to anyone else in the Jimmy Johns.

Looking back, I wanted to call you out on your behavior, but I was too shocked. All I could muster was a stunned, "wow," to the cashier, who still looked frightened. And really, you seem like the type who would try to kick someone's ass, even a woman's, who publicly called you out on your assholery.

I forgive you, however. I know that, despite your sweaty tank top and gym shorts, you are probably an on-call surgeon on your way to an emergency heart transplant and you needed to stop into the Jimmy Johns for some quick pre-surgery refuelage. I know this, you see, because you tore away in a Lexus SUV parked in the "delivery only" section. I suppose I could also choose to believe that you're the type of insecure tool who buys things he can't really afford and to make his mortgage and car payments is forced to skimp in areas of basic human decency like paying for things you buy for.

But I prefer to give strangers the benefit of the doubt.


rachel m. said...

#1: well done using "assholery". and B: i really hope i NEVER read another bolg about how you "thought about" calling him out. DO IT! being in the restaurant service industry i deal with more assholes than ANYONE and i WILL stand by that statement. i find that "seriously?" works best. just look at the next VERY IMPORTANT bullying son-of-a-bitch and say "seriously?" he'll take it from there. and THEN you are free to let him have it b/c all you said is "seriously" and he's sure to insult you in someway. good luck.

Fannie said...

and then say, "i'm not sayin, i'm just sayin"...