Saturday, August 11, 2007

Hey, Gay Marriage IS Wrong After All!

Heterosexual marriages ARE sacred. They should be protected! Infidelity, abuse, and "falling out of love" aren't the downfall of hetero marriages after all, GAY PEOPLE are! Look what happened in Massachusettes, where gay marriage is legal, hetero families and marriages are dying out left and right. They say that people are lining up to marry their pet poodles and men are collecting wives like they're baseball cards. Children with gay and lesbian parents are watching the L Word and Queer As Folk and thinking "Hey, I'm gay too!" Couples who have been married for 20 years are breaking up and getting married a second and third time (oh, that's not a new development)! In short, civilization as we know it is beginning to unravel.

I just read these (rather old) arguments against gay marriage, and have changed my mind. I urge you all to do the same.

The Top Ten Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong

Homosexuality is not natural. Real people always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.
Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are still property, blacks still aren’t supposed to marry whites.

Straight marriage will be less meaningful if homosexual marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Homosexual couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.

Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in North America.

Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.


Or not. See ya'll at Market Days!


Dan said...

Hey Fannie,

This is brilliant. And here I was supporting gay marriage all this time, well you sure set me straight!



Fannie said...

Glad I could help you come to your senses ;-)