Friday, April 11, 2008

I Know My Kid Will Make Up For What I Never Was

While nursing a recent hangover, I had the misfortune of stumbling upon a new reality show starring Danny Bonaduce: I Know My Kid's a Star. The premise? A bunch of stage parents (mostly moms) tote their "talented" children through various challenges in hopes that their child (mostly girls) will become the next child star.

The reality?

After watching the children perform and then briefly wondering how long until little [insert boys on the show] come out of the closet, I immediately suspected that the producers purposefully found un-talented kids in order to showcase a motley crew of stage mom caricatures.

For instance, there's the mom who quit her day job and has spent thousands of dollars to try to get her averagely-talented daughter. There's the "tough bitch" with "street smarts" whose personality completely overshadows her daughter's (lack of) talent. There's the average Joe stage dad who knows nothing about the business but whose un-talented son was surely picked in the interest of male gender representation. There's the former pageant winner whose daughter is a case in point that children should never wear lipstick.

In short, it's not exciting to watch the kids because really, they are just normal, average kids. The interest lies in how each parent is desperate to prove, despite all evidence to the contrary, that junior is some sort of child prodigy. All parents, listen up. Your children are beautiful little beings. But when it comes to discovering talent, you're a little biased towards your own kids. Of course you think your kid is the next Hannah Montana or Michael Jackson (from the Jackson 5, not the current weird version of him). Well, they're not. Sorry.

In the end, I feel sorry for these children. Their delusional parents are embarrassing themselves and their children on national television. They are being treated as commodities by the network and by their parents. I predict that, ultimately, these pretty average kids will likely end up as "that kid with the crazy mom who sucked at singing on that one Danny Bonaduce" show.

You heard it here first.

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