Thursday, August 9, 2007

How To Be a Female Employee, A Tutorial

(Yes, I'm on a tutorial kick. Bear with me.)

Studies on gender and the workplace are all over the place- both in theory and in conclusion.

Are you a female employee who is confused by the seemingly-daily reports and headlines claiming that a new study has arrived at some conclusion on women in the workforce?

How can you possibly keep track of all of these Very Important and Often Contradictory Studies?

You can't. But listen up ladies here's a brief tutorial on How To Be a Female Employee in today's modern world!

1. Women still make 71 cents for every dollar a man makes. That's old news. What's also old news is that it's your fault. For, to remedy the wage gap, all you had to do this whole time was to simply ask for raise. In addition, within 180 days of starting any new job, you should also ask for a comprehensive report of every employee's salary at your company. (Don't worry, HR and all of your male supervisors and co-workers will understand. ) For, if you aren't paid comparably to the men at your company, you must file your discrimination suit within 180 days of your pay being set. It is your fault if you don't know everyone else's salary, after all.

2. People perceive women who negotiate for more money as being "less nice" than those who do not. People are also less likely to want to work with women who negotiate for higher salaries. Wanting to make more money is understandable, since you are doing the same work as men for less pay. We've already learned that the only way to make more money is to simply ask for a raise. But, by doing so, people will think you're mean and won't want to work with you anymore.

Face it, wanting to make the same amount of money for the same work that men do is bitchy. It's even bitchier to bring the wage gap into people's awarenesses by asking for a raise.

One way to remedy this is by bringing your boss and co-workers gifts. Typically, when you give people gifts, they think you are nice. Continue to give them small gifts periodically so they keep on liking you. Of course, such gifts may negate the raise you just asked for, but really, it's more important that people like you. You are a lady, after all.

3. A lady should never show anger in the workplace. If you must show anger in the workplace, do so while giving everyone an explanation. Your co-workers will still perceive you as being "out of control" and "incompetent" because of your anger, but an explanation will lessen these effects. You should also learn how to show anger the way men do- for, when men show anger in the workplace, they are perceived as more competent and ambitious.

4. In these modern times, women really can have it all. If you are married and working outside the home, it can be difficult to divide household chores and to find enough time to do them all. Even among modern heterosexual couples, women still end up doing most of the household chores, even when both couples work outside the home. I roning clothes and doi n g laundry- tasks that men mostly grew up watching their mothers perform- are threatening to your man's masculinity. If you don't want to do these chores, you should simply hire someone to do them for you.

You could also consider forming a lesbian relationship, as lesbian couples tend to have more equitable distributions of household labor than do heterosexual couples. Think about it... another woman in the house means less housework for you!

5. If you are a single mother and poor, you are probably working. As we all know, you are lazy if you're not working. Even though it seems as though your paycheck only pays for childcare for while you are at work, work will make you feel less lazy.

6. If you are a single, or married, mother and not poor you probably still need your paycheck and, therefore, you are working. If you aren't working, you are lazy. If you are working, you are selfish and a bad mother . Stay-at-home parents judge you for missing school plays and baseball games. And, male and childless female co-workers will judge you for having children.

You can compromise by asking your boss if you can work fewer hours . Doing so will hurt your chances for advancement and higher pay. But that's your fault for choosing motherhood over career.

Good luck, ladies!

Oh...and with all of these things to keep in mind, don't forget to do your job.

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