Breakable Literal Bible Rule of the Week: Non-Virgin Ladies

Christian organization Focus on the Family informs us about many moral issues, one of their large focuses being homosexuality. For instance, they observe: "Scriptures against homosexual behavior – including Leviticus 18:22, 20:13; Romans 1:26-27; 1 Corinthians 6:9-10; 1 Timothy 1:9-10 – are so clear and specific that they defy reinterpretation."

So you see, when anti-gay individuals and organizations cite these verses, they aren't doing so because they hate gay people or anything. They are just relaying what God says about all this stuff. As Focus on the Family continues:

"It is intellectually dishonest to say that conservative individuals and leaders 'interpret' such clear verses as 'Thou shalt not lie with a man as with a woman' out of prejudice against homosexuals and use them for selfish gain."

Some verses, after all, are very clear. And that's what this series on Breakable Literal Bible Rules is about. Assuming for the sake of argument that English translations of YHWH's messages to we mortals are correct, it can be fun to explore what it means to take verses from the Old Testament literally. Christians do this all the time. With respect to some verses, that is.

Today's verse, plucked from Deuteronomy, is about damsels and what happens when they're unlikable and whore-y. Specifically, if a man takes a wife and decides he doesn't like her, he can claim that the woman wasn't a virgin when they married. If the vagina-human's father cannot produce the bloody cloths evidencing her virginity:

"Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father's house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you."

The men in a city must stone a non-virgin married lady with stones (and really, what else would one stone a person with, if not stones?). Now, obviously in this day and age, especially in large metropolitan areas, I suspect that part of the reason these stonings no longer occur is because it is difficult for half a million or so men to coordinate their schedules with one another. So with respect to this rule, I am wondering how one should logistically go about gathering all of the men of a city together to perform these stonings.

I mean, let's be real here, lots of women these days are definitely not virgins when they marry, and furthermore, given the high rates of divorce, thousands upon thousands of men just aren't that into their wives.

So, for the sake of these fellas who, let's face it are seriously slacking in the Deuteronomy department, is it permissible for men to use the world wide webs and/or social networking sites to connect with other men seeking to fulfill their biblical duties? Can they create some sort of application for their mobile devices that informs them of the time and location of stoning events? Should we create a National Wifewhore Stoning Day, specifically excusing all men from work so they may participate in stonings? (Although, that last one may have some separation of church/state issues, so perhaps not).

And most importantly, if there are not enough stones in a city for every single man, is it permissible for him to use other objects to kill the woman?


Ugh! The Bible is so hard.