Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Breakable Literal Bible Rule of the Week: Menstruating Women

If there's one issue that reminds me that God is certainly a persnickety fellow it's his prohibitions surrounding women and menstruation. For instance, the Lord tells us in Leviticus 15:19 that thanks to a woman's impure tendency to menstruate, she should be kept separate for 7 days.

Being a modern day working gal, I am very concerned about this rule. See, my place of work employs a great number of women capable of menstruation, yet it is not a part of our Human Resources policy to separate these unclean women for a period (no pun intended) of 7 days while they menstruate.

What this lack of separation tangibly means is that it is possible for fellow employees to touch these women not knowing that these unclean women are menstruating. For, we all know that Leviticus 15:19 also tells us that anyone who touches a menstruating woman shall be unclean until that evening. In fact, everything this woman lies and sits upon is unclean which means, as Leviticus 15:21-22 tells us, that a man must wash his clothes and take a bath after even touching anything that a menstruating woman has lied or sat upon. He also must wash the object upon which the woman lied or sat upon, which inevitably leads me to say that it's simply not fair that men, who are only trying to get in an honest day's work, have to deal with unclean women soiling all of the company's furniture all the time.

But at the same time, living a non-rule-breaky life sometimes involves balancing several competing interests. Thus, while it would be highly unproductive to grant every woman of childbearing capacity 7 days off of work each month to separate herself from clean human beings, the feminists would cause an uproar if we didn't allow women to work at all. In order to get around this dilemma, I will definitely contact human resources with a proposal demanding the separation of menstruating women into a company Red Room in which these unclean women can continue working without soiling chairs, beds, and men. Doing so is certain to enhance productivity.

Since that's all clear, I suppose the only question I have of the Lord is this: When they're done menstruating, where should the women take their sin offerings of two turtles or two young pigeons in order to atone for their uncleanliness- the company president or the director of HR?

Oy, having women in the workplace while not breaking Bible rules is hard.

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