Wednesday, May 18, 2011

This Is What Being the Sex Class Looks Like

A One-Act Play

Setting: Our hero, Leftist Gender Warrior (dun dun DUN!), is at a cocktail party. Her arch nemesis, Patriarchy (in a bad disguise as Dan Splainer), spots her.

Dan Splainer: [Ogling Leftist Gender Warrior's Strange costume] Hey baby!

Leftist Gender Warrior: [raises eyebrow and looks him up and down]

DS: [pointing at tray] Want a cocktail weiner?

LGW: I don't eat meat.

DS: That's what she said!

LGW: It is. And do people still say that?

[Awkward lull in conversation]

Leftist Gender Warrior: So anyway...Internet's been talking about that Hasidic newspaper in Brooklyn that edited Hillary Clinton out of that Situation Room photo where the Important People were monitoring the raid that killed Osama Bin Laden.

Dan Splainer:...And?

LGW: That just seems...sexist and propaganda-y.

DS: Well, the Hasidic religion has modesty rules.

LGW: So, Clinton was, like, gyrating on men's laps while wearing assless chaps and nipple tassles?

DS: No, she was wearing Business Attire.

LGW: Oh, so she was existing in the presence of men, doing the things that men typically do at meetings, except, she was doing these things while being a woman?

DS: You clearly don't get it. Photographs of women are sexually suggestive.

LGW: Suggestive to who?

DS: To people. Men.

LGW: But... Hillary Clinton is kind of a feminist and I thought all feminists were ugly and couldn't attract men?

DS: Now let's be reasonable here. Even Hillary Clinton has a vagina. Presumably, amirite?

LGW: And? Men have penises, which are also sexually suggestive to some people.

DS: Look. You don't dangle meat in front of a tiger's cage. That's just common sense.

LGW: I see. Men are wildebeests and we can't expect them to be better. Got it.

DS: Whoa there, are you familiar with the term misandry?

LGW: Ye-

DS: In layman's terms, it's "the hatred of men."

LGW: I kno-

DS: You need to check your misandry.

LGW: What in hades are you talking about?

DS: You just said all men are wildebeests.

LGW: I was re-phrasing your argument.

DS: Tut. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

LGW: Ummm, srsly? Well, anyway. My point about the photo is that it seems sort of dishonest to distort a photo so as to make it appear to readers that no women participated in an important meeting.

DS: Your argument is what is called "PC Gone Awry."

LGW: I like to think of it Presenting True Facts As They Actually Exist In Reality.

DS: [Ducking] Don't kill me or anything but I'm going to suggest that because of the subject matter, you're a little too emotional to talk about this rationally.

LGW: To clarify the Official Truth About Things, it's officially irrational to expect men to act like civil human beings whilst in the presence of photographs of people with (presumably) vaginas. Got it. I will update the lesbianfeminaziradicalsocialistcommunistvegan agenda accordingly. [Rolls away on sporty roller blade, leaving Dan Splainer in a cloud of farts].


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