The Death Trap

So, yesterday I received what I at first thought to be a fun, thoughtful gift for my birthday- a foam roll thingy to help me stretch after I work out. Don't be fooled. Although it appears benign enough, clearly it is no such thing.



See, upon further inspection, I found this little notice in the foam roll's box:



Note the first sentence: "The risk of injury from participating in this or any fitness regimen and/or from the performances of these exercises or similar exercises is significant and includes the potential for catastrophic injury or death."

Yes, these labels are on everything. But you have to admit that trying to imagine what sort of position a person would be in on this little foamy thing to be able to induce "catastrophic injury" or death kind of puts a damper on wanting to use it. I mean, these warning labels on every piece of exercise machinery fit right in with other "helpful" scary health news that's bombarded at us daily. Hey, you better work out so you don't suffer a premature death. But hey, if you use these exercise machines they might seriously maim you or cause premature death!

If I didn't work out I would totally blame scary health news and hyperbolic warning notices.


Also, what's up with the notice's odd deity-like capitalization of "You"?