Monday, March 31, 2008

Tutorial: Do You Have a "Homosexual" Spouse?

To any married members in the audience today, I'd like to bring your attention to a very, um, "helpful" piece put out by Focus on the Family. It's an article about recognizing and dealing with having a "homosexual" spouse.

Is it just me or are Focus on the Family's "telltale signs" that you have a "homosexual" spouse really just "telltale signs" that your spouse of any orientation is fucking around on you?


"[t]here are a number of telltale signs that your partner might be struggling with same-sex attraction or having a homosexual affair:

1. Growing emotional distance between you and your spouse
2. Decreased sexual interest in you over time
3. Behavior that does not add up; inconsistencies in details
4. Withdrawn, depressed, moody, outbursts of anger
5. Spend late nights or great amounts of time on the internet
6. Internet web browser history lists unusual sites
7. Preoccupation with physical appearance that has nothing to do with you
8. Eyes meet with those of strangers in public
9. Claims of working long hours at work or periods of unaccounted time
10. Secretive with the cell phone. Looks for incoming calls at odd hours.
11. Becomes defensive when you ask questions about time or whereabouts
12. Unexplained payments on bank statements.
13. Asks about your schedule more than usual
14. Phone records disappear, bank and credit card statements redirected to work address"

I particularly appreciate #8, as it applies to pretty much everyone with working eyeballs.

Christ. How is that actually helpful?

Focus on the Family should really use a gay consultant to write these tutorials. For instance, I'd start by just outright asking my spouse why he was so fucking gay. But then again, that would all be assuming I had a man-spouse. I don't, of course, because I'm a little bit dykey. And therefore, I have a finely attuned sense of gaydar. Some straight people completely lack this 6th sense. And this is where having a gay friend or two would come in handy. If these Focus on the Family types weren't so busy demonizing gay people, we'd be more than happy to let you know that the wifey-poo is a big ol' carpetmuncher. But alas. We are probably too busy buying her drinks at the local watering hole to let you know such things.

Karma's a bitch, ain't it?

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