Friday, March 28, 2008

Fannie's L Word Season 5 Awards!

Well, another season of The L Word has come and gone. I'd like to commemorate the occasion with some awards. If some of you out there don't watch this show, sorry. Just nod and laugh like you know what's going on.

Best Character


Among other memorable quotes, this woman told a fuckwad guy "I will not continue this conversation with you until you remove the piece of snot that is dangling from your nose." About creepy Adele, she said "Don't listen to her, she wears mom jeans with camel toe."


And yes, Mia Kirshner is foxy.

Best Non-Jenny Quote Award

Runner-Up goes to newbian Molly in the midst of her first lesbian encounter: "Weird. Boobs."

Worst Hair Award

Ironically, this goes to "top hair stylist" Shane. Okay, I know I'm a Midwestern gal, but I don't really find making your hair a perpetual bird's nest to be in any way "cool" or attractive. That Shane, with her Fraggly hair, continued to be a chick magnet was a little out of the range of believable.

The Learning By Osmosis Award

Apparently, just hanging out with a deaf person enables one to learn sign language at a remarkably rapid rate. I'm all for language immersion, and I know Bette is brilliant, but... the L Word gals had an inexplicably stellar command of sign language by the end of the show.

The Who Knew They Were BFFs? Award

Shane and Jodi.

At Jodi's show in the season finale, Shane said to Jodi something along the lines of "I really miss you." A-what? Did I miss the episode where Shane and Jodi even spoke to each other?

The Snob Award

My previously-favorite character Alice turned out to be quite the snob this year. From her judgmental attitude about girlfriend Tasha's military service and security guard job to her implication that transman Max doesn't belong "in the community," I was highly disappointed in previously-open-minded (Hello, remember when she dated "male lesbian" Lisa?!) Alice's uppity transformation.

Second Place goes to Bette for being such a stick-in-the-mud at girlfriend Jodi's friends' cabin.

Most Improved Development

Probably the biggest improvement is that the show finally had hints of taking itself less seriously. It was campy at times. It was sometimes funny. And most importantly, even though lesbians are generally a hyper-politically-correct bunch, it stopped trying to be all things to all people. No show can perfectly cater to all of the diverse members of our community and people are pretty much going to bitch no matter what you do. So yeah, give us less breast cancer deaths and more Bette's Angels' vignettes.

The Storyline I Cared Least About

Adele's sinister motives.

Yes, we all saw it coming. Adele was a sneak. The clues were everywhere. Maybe if everyone paid more attention to virtually-ignored-all-season Max you wouldn't have gotten burned. Too bad so sad.

Worst Villain

What's-her-face Dembo. I didn't really care about the fate of "The Planet" or "She-Bar," but this lady was realistic as a jerky, domineering bully. In fact, I think she may be based on someone I used to know.

The Best "Lesson" Award

Kit was angry at someone. Kit bought a gun. Kit was careless with the gun and, as a result, little Angelica almost shot her face off with the gun. Guns are bad.

The Lesson That Never Happened Award

Kit found Angelica holding a gun getting ready to shoot her face off with it. Kit takes the gun from little Angelica and throws it in the dumpster. Tomorrow, some random person could take the gun out of the dumpster, sell the gun, and/or use the gun in a crime and the gun will still be registered in Kit's name. Guns are bad.

The Shut Up and Just Have Sex Award

Bette and Tina.

Get back together, don't get back together. I don't really care. Like many people, you don't realize what you have until it's gone but paradoxically you always seem to want what you don't have, and so you've been doing this dance for 5 years now. I, for one, am bored with that storyline.

In the future, your screen time should be devoted to building up sexual tension where the audience thinks "maybe they will, maybe they won't" and ends with you engaging in some sort of emotionally-laden taboo sex scenario that ends with simultaneous orgasms. Is that too much to ask?

The I'm Sick of Your Shennanigans Award


Can this character develop? I realize that being a non-committal Lothario is Shane's "thing," but at some point she's going to wake up to the same fate as fellow queer skirt-chaser Brian Kinney: single, without a family, and old. But worse for them, they'll also discover that they can no longer get laid. With their unadmirable "playboy" reputations always preceding them, they will some day lose the one thing they did have going for them- their "hotness."

Fortunately for Shane fans, The L Word will be canceled long before that happens.

Did I miss any awards?

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