Wednesday, May 14, 2008

RightWing Roundup #5: Psychics, Herbs, and Homo Militias

1. Call Now For Your Personalized Psychic Reading!

WorldNetDaily commentator David Kupelian wrote an "interesting" article predicting with absolute certainty the chaos that will ensue upon Mrs. Bill Clinton's presidential victory. Within this article, Kupelian discusses the "sins" of Bill Clinton, the eveel-ness of liberalism, and a magical theory whereby the president is the "father" of our nation whose actions "invisibly shape the character and worldview of the country, with a particularly profound effect upon the young, since they are the most impressionable."

Now, since the title of this article is "How Hillary will lead American into hell," I whipped out my monocle and began searching for evidence as to how all of this psychic talk and theorizing related to "Hillary." Upon inspection, it's clear that the article contains no actual criticism or rational argument against Clinton. Sure, Kupelian does insinuate that the "father" of our nation could not possibly ever be a woman (har har). And yeah, he references her "chameleon"-like personality. But, I had a quite difficult time making the logical jump from that personal attack and irrelevant statement to Kupelian's conclusion as to what would happen upon Hillary Clinton's election:

"You could expect a radical increase in shocking, self-destructive and criminal acting-out by lost souls lashing out blindly in a desperate expression of revenge toward the contemptible society that could dare elect such a person as president. Perhaps a huge upsurge in mass shootings, such as we've seen recently. Or maybe more "bug-chasing" – that's where people actively try to get infected with AIDS. Maybe homegrown suicide bombers committing horrific terrorist acts – not for Allah, but just for kicks, for non-specific revenge against the human race. No one can say what form it will take, but expect more and more weird, destructive behaviors designed for maximum shock."

Ah, Hillary Clinton is a flim-flammer so people will go out and try to get teh AIDS. That make sense.

But hold on, this impressive display of extra-sensory premonition continues:

"Of course, nobody would be able to prove any cause and effect. But remember these words: Elevating a person like Hillary Clinton to the presidency of the United States will unleash hell in America in a way very few of us can even comprehend, let alone remedy."

In other words, no one can prove that Hillary Clinton will unleash hell on Earth, but Hillary Clinton will definitely unleash hell on Earth.

Perhaps the most useful part of this article is that it allowed us to identify who we should really vote for come November: the obviously psychic WorldNetDaily commentator Mr. Kupelian. With a vigilant psychic being as our president we simply can't lose! U-S-A, U-S-A!

2. Confessions of a Sinner

In this article, I pondered the Biblically correct way to grow an herb garden. Well, I think I did something wrong. My cilantro went flaccid and died. Note to everyone: Do not mingle your seeds!

dead plant


3. Just Because Gay People Have That Much Free Time

It's old hat that those opposed to gay rights accuse gay rights advocates of having a sinister agenda. A new idea and phrase (that should definitely be added to the Language of Bigots Dictionary) comes from a comment thread following this blog article. (Click on the link after the article if you want to view the comments, they are un-linkable on their own). While this particular article is a regurgitation of the "gay people are intolerant for not tolerating my hateful intolerance" game, the pertinent very first comment adds a fun twist to that theory. Break out the tinfoil hats ladies and gents, didn't ya know there's a vast concerted conspiracy whereby homasexuls seek to "take over" anti-gay sites and shut down discussion boards all over the world wide webs? Oh, but it's so much more than that, and I quote:

"Members of the Homosexual Internet Militia roam the boards for victims -- a Krystalnacht -- a cleansing of the boards of all opposition."

Oh dear god, it's a conspiracy! Other commenters seconded and thirded that theory, and someone even threw in a trusty ol' argumentum ad nazium for good measure.

But for real, what is the bigot to do these days when he can't even voice his opposition to everything gay? Wait... wait just a minute... how are we reading the comments on this anti-gay blog anyway? Why has this anti-gay blog not yet been shut down?!

Off to the batcave my fellow homasexuls, it's time to roam the internets.

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